Thursday, January 14, 2016

Normal Crisis

So still thinking of prayer in good times and bad times.  

When your child is in the hospital bed, you turn to God.  I'd say it's easy, but it's not... but where else do you turn?  

When you're in the "good times" and everything is great, you find good stuff to thank God for.  Need help?  Follow the sermon outline from last Sunday. 

When you're in between?  

When your child isn't in the hospital.  But life isn't "good."  

When it's ceased to be a crisis because it's just normal life for you.

When your child copes by squishing herself between the storm door and the main door. And screams hysterically when you insist she go all the way in because it's 15 degrees. 

And that isn't really a crisis because it's every week, but it isn't "good" either. 

When you're in the waiting game of "is this another real crisis?"  When there's another specialist on the horizon.  When there's another test, and you're torn between wanting to know for sure, and yet terrified of what it might reveal, and at the same time... you really just don't want your kid to have the test. 

And you know many other people who have it much worse than you... and better than you...  and they all find themselves in the same boat.  Crisis is normal.  Normal is crisis.  

How do you keep God in that?  

Where is God in that?

I prayed today, sitting on my child's bed.  Holding her stuffed animals that have been faithful in every hospital bed she's been in.  

And I told God this sure didn't feel very loving.  And this sure didn't feel very good.  And I really just want my kid to be healthy, and pain free, and develop normally, vehicles to run, and the bank account to be plentiful, and life to just get and stay boring.  

Rock of ages.  Rock.  Of the ages.  He doesn't change.  He doesn't move.  He says He's good, therefore He is.  He says He's love, therefore He is.  His purposes are sure, steadfast through all generations.

"You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You.  Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting Rock." - Is. 26:3-4

It doesn't say your life is easy, or good, or nice.  It has to do with the mind... what it's focused on... what its foundation is. 

And that's a rock you can build on.  That's stable through the crisis.  That's stable in the crisis that becomes your normal. That's stable on the average days and the good days and the bad days and the Mondays and the Thursdays. 

Sunday, January 10, 2016

What if...

One message has been whispered into my heart and mind over the last couple of days.

God is God, and I am not.

It's been said in different ways, but that phrase sums it up most simply.

Friday found me angry.  Broken and angry and shaking my fist at God.  Questioning, "why are You doing this?  We're trying to get things right!  We're trying to get our act together!  And it seems like we run into obstacles at every turn!  And on top of it all, You have to cause my child pain.  You have to make her body complicated.  You have to give her problems that cause her to say "I can't do anything!"  Why can't You just heal her?  Why can't things just be easy for once?"

And I stood up in church today to ask for prayer for her, and I said it would be nice for her to have good health for awhile.

And the sermon was about praying in the good times.  I had a hard time identifying with that at first.  I whispered to the Mechanic, "God doesn't seem to allow us more than 24 hours of good times at a time."

But I've continued to think about that phrase used in the sermon today.  "God is God and I am not."  I recalled a song I played often in my college days, when things didn't seem to be going according to my plan.

And I've thought about what C.S. Lewis wrote in Till We Have Faces. "You Yourself are the answer.  Before Your face questions die away."

And I posed this question to myself: what if God hadn't protected my husband in that wreck yesterday?  What if cancer became, not that person over there, but became me?  And this is the hardest one for me right now... What if God doesn't heal my child?  What if He doesn't take away her pain?  What if her pain increases?

Is God any less God?  Is God any less good?

It's easy to say how powerful and awesome and great and good God is when He holds back the snow for the perfect length of time to get our plumbing fixed.  It's easy to praise Him when we're involved in wrecks and walk away from them.

But when my daughter is crying?  When I don't see an end to her pain that'll last beyond the next weather front?

What if... in addition to praying for healing, begging for relief, I prayed for God to be glorified through her pain? And applied that thinking to everything else I pray about?

Because it's not about God rescuing us from our circumstances.  He can, and He sometimes does.  But it's more than that.  Because if it's only about rescue and relief, what is there to fall back on when you aren't rescued and there is no relief?  Do you conclude God isn't really God?  Or that He's not good?

Truth.  Fact.  You have to base your life on those stones, not on ever changing feelings, whether they be warm fuzzies from seeing incredible provision or that sick sinking feeling in your stomach when you find your daughter curled up in pain and fatigue.

That's why I love the song "Bring the Rain."  Because it ends with the basis for belief: "Holy Holy Holy is the Lord God Almighty."  It's not about feelings.  It's not about healing and protection.  It's about the God of the universe being holy.  It's not about Him rescuing us from this life, but walking through it beside us.  Emmanuel.  God With Us.

Friday, December 4, 2015

Singing on a bad day...

"Mommy, why you singin'?"

"Because singing makes me happier, and I've had a bad day."

A few minutes later...

"Bwess da Woord, ah my tole...  I had a bad day, but singin' make me happy."


Well, if nothing else, my children will learn some good songs and that singing can make a bad day better.

As I was listening to my "strength" playlist while fixing dinner towards the end of a very trying day, I was brought back in my memory to the last time I listened to that playlist over, and over, and over again.

My daughter had just been diagnosed with autism and was facing an MRI that I feared would reveal more problems and need for more surgeries.

I felt helpless.  I was so discouraged, and wanted so badly to fix everything, but there was nothing I could do.  I'd been doing everything that was suggested, and trying to find more to do was just overwhelming.  All the programs cost money we didn't have, there was no intensive therapy available within 5 hours.  And I'd worked so hard, so long, to try to avoid the very diagnosis she'd been given.

My husband sent me out to a field, to look at the open sky and rest in the God that made it.  And while there, I was able to say, "thank You, God, for the autism."  And over the next few weeks as we waited on the MRI, I sang over and over, "Though You slay me, yet I will praise you.  Though you take from me, I will bless Your name.  Though You ruin me, still I will worship, sing a song to the One Who's all I need" by Shane & Shane.

And while I sat in that hospital, I played those words over and over in my head: "I come, God, I come, returning to the One Who's broken, Who's torn me apart. You strike down to bind me up, You say You do it all in love."

And we came through it.  Six months later, there have been no more brain surgeries.  Many problems that seemed like a brain problem were caused by something controllable with a strict regimen of Miralax and fiber gummies.  She has made great progress, not only tolerating but enjoying social activities such as Awana and preschool.  Just a few weeks ago, she walked to children's church with her sister without me.  That was huge!  The autism isn't gone, but we're not regressing, and we have great hope that she'll be just fine.

Life was pretty good.  Busy.  Chaotic, which is normal for us.  But good.

Then, some things I had let get lost in the shuffle of life with 3 young children suddenly became urgent problems.  Then water started bubbling out of a hole in the basement floor.  Then I did a load of laundry and we had small fountain and a growing stream in our basement.

Suddenly, life wasn't good anymore.

Suddenly, "I'm thankful for indoor plumbing" wasn't just something to get a laugh at the Thanksgiving table, but it was a serious "I'll be thankful when we can actually use ours again."  At first, my panic was simply, how are we going to pay for this?  Then it became, can we get this fixed before the ground freezes?  Then it became, can we even find a plumber able to do anything?

And I was panicking.  I was ready to get out in the yard with a shovel myself.

But the kids threw shredded paper all over my freshly cleaned living room, and so I put on those songs.

And I was reminded... over the bowl of rinse water to be discarded outside... God is as much in charge of my pipes as He is my daughter's brain.

So what if this is happening because I haven't been faithful in tithing?

Do I discipline my kids just because I'm mad at them and want them to suffer?

Or do I discipline them in order to get them to a better place, a place where we can enjoy a relationship, where they can be functional and able to grow into what they are capable of doing?

Even in the discipline... the point isn't what they did wrong.  Not really.  It's part of it, and it's important for them to realize their mistakes.  BUT... in most if not all cases, a focus on the positive will do just as good a job helping them to make better choices.  Tonight, they spread shredded paper all over my clean living room.  Had I told them not to do that?  Not really.  But what they need to learn is not "don't spread shredded paper," but "be kind and considerate."  Which is more relational and less a rule.

I may feel like I can do more in this situation than with Ladybug's brain.  I can tithe.  I can help haul concrete, or hand pipes, or make coffee in disposable cups for anyone helping us.  But if that's all I do... I'm missing the point.  At least I think I am.  Because the point may be less about do x, y, and z, and more about, trust Me.  Let Me handle it.  Take that tithe money out, even though that means there's more month than there is money.  Bring Me the plumbing problems, because I've already got a plan for how you're going to get through the winter.  I knew about that crumbling pipe, and the in-the-way gas line, and the half-dead trees, and the friends with skills, and the lack of plumbers.  And even though it was your mistake, I knew about that misunderstood and misplaced bill too.

And I don't want anyone to think I'm putting words in God's mouth.  I sure haven't heard Him audibly speak any of that.  But I do know for a fact that nothing surprises God.  That He's in control of everything.  So... maybe that's what He's teaching me?

Or maybe he just wanted my kids to hear me singing on a bad day, so they'd learn that it helps.

Friday, November 6, 2015

You Can't Mess Up Your Children

I've been giving a lot of thought recently to my children's future education.  In 21 months, my oldest will be starting kindergarten, somewhere.  (Yes, I've given that much thought to it that I'm counting down in months.)  My middle child will also have the option of starting kindergarten then as well.  Where and how they are educated is of major concern for me.

I'm afraid of this decision, because I'm afraid of messing up my kids.  I was home schooled, and I do not want my children's lives to turn out the way mine did.  I have heard awful things about the public school system and fear my children will turn into another bad statistic.  Any private school in our area will be brand new, so no one knows what kind of result those will have.

Even though I know at any point I can change my mind and do something different if what I choose isn't working out, I still fear this decision.  What if that one year or less totally messes them up?  What if they end up behind, or scarred academically, or emotionally, or spiritually?

And this morning, I realized exactly what I was doing.

I was making myself equal to God.

Actually, worse: I was making myself more powerful than God.

I believe in the sovereignty of God.  He says He knew all of our days before we were even born.  He has a plan.  He has written a story.

By saying that I'm afraid of messing up my kids, I'm saying I'm afraid I'm going to mess up His plan.  As a character in His story... how could I possibly do that?

My children are known and created individually by God.  He has a plan for each of them.  Every moment of every day has been ordered by God.

Am I capable of surprising the God who ordered every moment?  Am I able to mess up His plan for my children?  Am I so powerful that my mistakes hinder the God of the universe?!

By extension... my idea that my life is messed up is completely wrong.  I didn't blow it.  My parents didn't blow it.  Not in the grand scheme of things.  Because God is in control, and He both knew and planned the seemingly messed up parts of my life.  Sin plays a part, but sin is not more powerful than God.

That battle I have with the quote, "you are exactly the mom your kids need," because I felt I did not have the mom I needed, is pointless.  She was the mom I needed, because even in the hurt, God used that to draw me to Him.  If my emotional needs had been met by her, if we had a beautiful relationship, would I be as reliant on my Heavenly Father?  I don't know... but I know His plan is good.

If you don't believe in God's sovereignty, in the doctrine of predestination, I'm not out to convince you.  But with those beliefs as my foundation, messing up my kids is impossible.  Because God's got this.  He's ordered, planned, and crafted a story for His glory.

Now, this doesn't mean I get to lay on the couch eating Doritos and letting my kids fend for themselves because that's God's plan for them.  But I don't have to be paralyzed by fear of messing up.  Because I love my kids, I research, plan, learn, and do my best for them.  I pray, and I trust God to lead me, knowing that what appears to be a mistake to me is part of God's plan to glorify Himself through me and my children.

God doesn't make mistakes.  So I can spend less time worrying, and more time allowing the God of the universe to guide me.  Knowing that He will guide me, and that He loves my kids even more than I do, takes a heavy weight from my chest.

Sunday, September 13, 2015

Sands of Time

Life is always moving, always changing.  As a mom, I feel like I start to get an idea of what I'm supposed to be doing in a certain stage of life, and then a child develops a new skill or we move into a new stage of development, and I'm left thinking, "wait... I just figured out the perfect nap schedule!  What do you mean you no longer need that morning nap?" 

With both my girls now in preschool, I feel I have moved into a new stage of life.  Our calendar, which used to stay pretty empty, is now color coded.  I feel as if I spend hours of my life each week buckling kids in and pulling kids out of car seats. I have alarms on my phone to remind me to drop kids off and pick kids up.  

I have reached the stage of life that isn't going to slow down on its own.  From here until the kids are significantly older, we're going to have opportunities for many things.  School, church, and medical activities.  Sports and social events.  Requests to volunteer, to teach, to bake, to participate.  

I've heard through the years, the importance of being able to say no.  Of how our schedules can get so full that we don't enjoy our families because we're so busy rushing from place to place.  

I'm not sure why I thought I'd be immune to that. 

But now... I look at my calendar, full of good things.  I look at my house, half-finished projects, produce drawers full of good intentions.  I look at my children... and they aren't babies anymore.  I don't have a baby now.  They are taking steps away from me, towards independence, which is exactly what they should be doing.  The child I thought was my baby has realized he can tell me "no" and express his own opinions.  The child I was beginning to despair of ever dressing herself is now able to follow a picture schedule for her morning routine with not much more than redirection back to her schedule.

Drifting... putting out fires... surviving.  However you want to describe it, this is a point in life that I can just see how many good things I can cram into my day.  And then realize, maybe at the end of the day, or maybe at the end of my life, that I forgot about the most important things.  

I wasn't feeling great today so when the kids had rest time, I sat down and thought about the vision I had for my life as a late teen.  I jotted down the four things I remember having in my vision statement I'd written.  Those four things are still what I believe God asks me to do with my life.  

Then I graded myself.  

The best grade on my self-evaluation was a C.  The number one thing I'd written down?  I had to give myself an F.  

Then I jotted down what I thought were the reasons behind my "grades."  They ranged from self-centeredness and negativity to distractions and a reluctance to be vulnerable.  

There's a lot of talk about being intentional.  Intentional parenting, intentional discipleship, intentional blah blah blah.  And I've sometimes wondered, is that a Biblical concept?  I'm beginning to think it is.  Because, if you aren't intentional, you are... unintentional.  Unplanned.  Frankly, taken to the logical extreme, not intentional means chaotic.  Random.  And that isn't God's nature.  He planned the most incredible plan ever.  He orders all of creation.  He holds all things together.  So does He intend for me to live my life in a chaotic, haphazard sort of way?  I don't think so.  Because He also commands me to do all things for His glory.

And while life happens, I don't think I can really claim allowing 5 dozen eggs to spoil in the fridge because I forgot to make the egg muffins I promised my husband I'd make can in any way be done for His glory.  (I've not let that happen... yet.  But at the rate I'm going, it's very possible!)

So, rather than focusing on the details, which change so quickly, I'm going to try filtering things through my priorities.  I want to look at my end goals, and make choices and changes that will push me towards those goals.