Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Withdrawal

When a medication label says not to stop taking the medication suddenly, there's a reason for it. 

Lesson learned.  When moving, make sure you have extra medications stashed in several areas of the car, just in case your husband grabs the wrong bag of medicine. 

Heart palpitations are not pleasant.  Nor is the pounding head with strange sounds, sounds that aren't actually really happening outside my head.  The insomnia isn't great either.  The increased anxiety and tearfulness is also poorly timed. 

But, this has given me incentive to write a few posts about a subject near to my heart.  But, I'll do us all a favor and wait until I am back on my medication before writing that. 

I'm keep telling myself a verse from a hymn that I can't find online, but I know it's in the Trinity Hymnal.  Something about "a joyful mother makes."  Going through medication withdrawal doesn't give me an excuse to not be a joyful mother, it just makes it a bit more challenging.   Whew... but anytime these heart palpitations want to stop is fine with me!  I may end up driving through the night just to knock 12 hours off this misery; not like I can sleep anyway!

You asked for it.

Well, some of you did.  I've been told more than once this year I need to start a blog.  This was actually started over two years ago, simply as a creative outlet.  I used to enjoy writing, especially in college on my Xanga blog.  I like putting my thoughts down by keyboard, somehow making them seem more organized and logical.  I also enjoy going back and reading what I've said, whether 5 minutes ago or a year ago.  It brings me greater clarity and better perspective on my life, as well as providing amusement at times. 

I've gone through and removed some of the more emotionally graphic posts, the ones giving details of what exactly has happened in my life in the last few years.  I sometimes used this as a journal, knowing very few people ever saw this and even fewer actually knew me or my family.  But with the decision to make this more public also comes a responsibility to guard what is said.  I did not remove offensive posts.  Some of my beliefs and opinions are offensive.  If they bother you, stop reading them and find someone with whom you agree.  Or broaden your mind and consider what is written.  What I say on here has been thought through, read more than once, and deemed appropriate. 

Alright, with those disclaimers aside... here are a few more.  =)  I'm a relatively boring person.  My life at this stage consists of diapers, sippy cups, bottles, rice cereal, blocks, Mud Pie For Mother, and the newest exciting development, crayons!  I try to read something on an adult level at least a few times a week, although thanks to this move my Truman next to the air mattress has a layer of dust and cobwebs that have fallen from the recently swiffered walls.  Drudge is my usual source of news, supplemented by my husband, the Mechanic.  The TV shows I watch most often are Yo Gabba Gabba, I Love Lucy, and the Andy Griffith show,  although I also enjoy Psych and Once Upon a Time, as well as another show I don't dare mention because it is not exactly a smiled upon show.  It is my vice.  Some of you know what I'm talking about.  If you don't know what I'm talking about, you probably haven't been around me lately and don't need to know.  

So that's the introduction to this new public phase of my blog.  Why anyone would want to read what I write I'm really not sure.  But perhaps the thought that someone might actually read this will cause me to use my brain a little more often.  My brain is about as out of shape as the rest of my body, which means the muscles that are necessary right now, the child carrying muscles, are well developed, while any other muscle is nothing but flab with a thick layer of fat.  Perhaps now would also be a good time to mention that I am a nurse and so I have no sense of appropriate dinner conversation anymore. 

Enjoy.  Ignore.  Laugh at.  Question.  And if I don't post on Facebook as often, it's because I'm here.  =)

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Rain On

Wow... we see how well I did at blogging more frequently this year! 

I heard a song today and it was exactly what I needed.  It's an older song and I hadn't heard it more than a couple of times before, but it's one I'll be listening to frequently in the next few weeks. 

"Rain on, I will not drown.  I'm standing firm on higher ground."
Brother's Keeper's "Rain On"

I'm not usually a fan of songs that repeat the same thing over and over.  But sometimes you need the message drilled into your head, and lately that's exactly what I've needed. 

Here's what has been raining on me recently:
  • The Mechanic accepted a job five hours away in an area that is unsafe for a family to live, leaving me to move with the kids.
  • I got sick with a nasty respiratory bug. 
At that point, about 4 days into my stint as essentially a single parent, I said if I can deal with this illness, I can make it through anything, except cancer. 

That was dumb. 

Here's what's happened since then.
  • A deep freeze full of meat went without power, unknown to anyone, for over a week.
  • We found out a car we had just put $600 into has no A/C which will require over $1000 to fix.
  • The Turkey was found to be down to the 2% in weight on the growth charts.  She was originally ~40%.
  • The computer died.
  • The Mechanic was in a wreck which sent him to the ER in an ambulance and totaled our not-fully-covered car that had A/C.
  • The Turkey lost weight when we started our weekly weight checks. 
  • The wreck wasn't as cut & dried as we thought it was... shouldn't go into detail here but we're currently out over $10,000.
  • The Ladybug got her first stomach bug... 2 hours before I needed to start the drive back from our new house to our current house.
  • The Turkey needs an echocardiogram.
Plus the spilled teas, 8-12 poopy diapers from one kid per day on a regular basis now, chicken nuggets substituted for chocolate chip cookies, and the general chaos my house is in right now.  Those are just the routine daily irritants that would be the same whether anything major was going on or not.

It's nuts.

It's overwhelming.

I have multiple offers of help, but I don't know how to utilize that help.  My house is such a wreck that there's not room for more than one adult in here.  And it's hard to get the kids to someone else. 

Now I'm not saying all this to get sympathy.  There's a family in my prayers right now that are watching their 1lb13oz son fight for his life.  There's another family that lost a baby that never got to leave the hospital. My struggles and problems are nothing compared to theirs.  Part of why I did want to type my problems out in a list like that is because when I do that, they really don't look that bad.  

But despite the chaos, the frustrations, the weight of the world that has made knots in my trapezoid muscles the size of brats, this has been such a rich time.  Because I don't have another person to lean on.  In my own strength, I can't deal with all this.  I can't even begin to figure out how to use the help that might be available.  But, my prayers for a deeper relationship with my Savior are being answered.  I've been given a desire to study the Bible and to know God more.  I'm more sensitive to His correction, His hand over my mouth.  And He no longer feels so far away.

The Sunday that the Mechanic was to leave, we of course were driving separate cars to church so that he could leave straight from there.  I had on the local Christian radio station and they played a song that was perfect for what I was about to face, although I didn't know the extent and still don't.

"Scars and struggles on the way, but with joy our hearts can say:
 Never once did we ever walk alone, never once did You leave us on our own.
 You are faithful, God, You are faithful."
Matt Redman's "Never Once"

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Milestones

I'd like to post more regularly this year; of course I say that almost every year so we'll see if things are different this time. =)

As a mom, I focus a lot on milestones.  Rolling over, walking, using a sippie cup...  I spend time on babycenter.com, and a frequent topic is what our little ones are able to do.  Frequently, I've felt like I'm reading on the forum for children several months older than Ladybug.

One of the things I'd like to change about myself in the coming year is how I think about my children.  I think of Ladybug as being behind; I describe her as slow and delayed.  And while that is technically true, I want to guard myself against letting that define who she is.  As my pediatrician put it, "She's just Ladybug."  She is where she is, developmentally.  And it's okay.  It doesn't make me a failure as a parent.  It doesn't mean she's dumb.  She just is.

It's so easy to focus on what she can't do.  But this year, I'd like to focus more on what she can do.  Today, for the first time ever, she stood up in the middle of the floor by herself.  Instead of paying so much attention to what other children her age are doing, I'd like to simply enjoy what she's able to do right now, and work with her on the next step.

She'll be going to a Bible study with  me and Turkey this week for the first time, and she'll be in a class of her own.  I'm excited for her; I think it'll be good for her to be around other adults and children, who'll teach her Bible stories and songs.  I've been trying to decide whether or not I need to talk to the children's leader about her developmental status.  I think I'll simply let them decide which class she's best suited for, and let them know that if they need to move her out of her age group it's okay with me.

Saturday, December 29, 2012

It's almost the end of December, Christmas is over, and I haven't been depressed.  I think I may have finally moved past all the crap that has happened in December.

I've been too busy to be depressed.  I've been too busy to think about all those things that always got me depressed around the holidays.  Eight and six years after the fact I guess it's about time!

I didn't get all the decorations put up.  I didn't get half of them out.  My house is disaster.  My family is a mess.  But I'm not depressed.  It's rainy and dreary, but I'm not depressed.

Overwhelmed, yes.  Irritable, yes.  Frustrated, yes.  But not depressed.  And it's wonderful.  Truly wonderful.

And this was going to be more thoughtful but I'm being paged by a screaming 3 month old.  =)