Sunday, October 9, 2011

Still alive and human... I think

There is a distinction I never made before. There is human, and there is mommy. And mommy's do not always feel human. We sometimes feel like some sort of zombie, with strange marks and fat rolls that previously didn't exist, emotions that take roller coaster rides, and brains that simply cannot remember that 2+2=4. My days consist of pump, feed, change. Pump, feed, change. Try to fit some sleep in there somewhere. And then do it all over again.

The lack of eye contact from a newborn only confirms the feeling of non-humanness... it's as if she looks right past me, as if I don't exist, despite her complete dependency on me to feed, change, burp, clothe, and comfort her. I'm told this will get better once she becomes interactive again.

There are moments, though, when you see the good side of being a mommy. The 2am change when I look at the child who just exploded poop into the clean diaper I just put on her, and I'm amazed at how much I love this little poop-making machine. The rare moments in breastfeeding when things are actually working like they're supposed to (with the help of a plastic nipple... now that thing is weird) and she wraps her little hand around my finger.

So I'll plod along; I think survival at this point is a worthy goal.

Monday, September 26, 2011

36 hours

How much can change in 36 hours?

Hopefully, I'll be sitting in a bed getting stuck with needles and answering a bunch of questions for a nurse and anesthesiologist. And then I'll let that anesthesiologist stick a huge needle in my spine. *gulp*

And about 3 hours from then, I'll be holding a brand new, red, screaming baby girl.

And I'm tearing up just thinking about it.

(And thanks to the shuffle on iTunes, I'm thinking "Awake and Alive" would make great entrance music for my baby girl.)

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

How do you deal with life? How can you go on when it seems to crumble down around you? What do you do when you are hurt so deeply, and others are hurt so deeply? Is it ever right to lie to make things better? Will things ever get better? Will the wounds ever heal? What kind of world is this baby girl being born into? Will I be able to shield her from hurt? What is this going to do to her?
God, what am I supposed to do with this? I could really use some wisdom and peace and comfort right about now...

Friday, August 12, 2011

It is the eve of my first baby shower for my first child... and one of her grandmothers will not be there.

It is part of adulthood to handle difficult and awkward situations. I fear tomorrow may hold some of those. After all, I made my guest list with my mom especially in mind, in hopes of giving her an enjoyable afternoon with people she's not seen in a while. And I'm sure there will be some raised eyebrows when they realize she's not there.

Some may have already talked to my parents and received their side of a very ugly story. My character may very well be defamed and my name become a black mark in my parents contacts.

I do regret that this happened, especially with this timing. I can't help but wonder, why now? And I have no answer to that. Except that God is in control of all things, all times, all actions. And nothing that occurs happens without him allowing it. And everything will work for the good of those who love God and are called for his purpose.

So I pray His blessings on the little one moving and bumping around inside of me, and beg for His mercy on me, that she and I may never go through such a black time as this.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Obviously by the lack of posts, no bed rest was required. We went back to complication free for several weeks until I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes, which turned into probable pre-pregnancy uncontrolled diabetes. So I now follow a strict diet, check my sugar 4 times a day, and have twice weekly ultrasounds. Her birthday has been pushed up a week to late September as they will be either inducing or taking her at 39 weeks. And whether or not I get to even attempt a natural birth will be decided by how large she continues to measure. As of now she's a pound or more bigger than she should be, so we're looking at an 8-9lb baby, too big for me to have naturally. Oh well, as long as she gets here safely.

We've had other issues besides health problems, though. Between the car problems and the family problems, it's about been more than I can take. I keep waking up thinking, it's got to get better. It just has to. And then something else happens, or there's another spin on things that leaves my head reeling asking "where in the world did this come from?"

I was listening to Indelible Grace on the way to church this morning, and I realized what a fitting song we sang at our wedding. "I trace the rainbow through the rain and feel the promise is not vain, that morn shall tearless be." So my prayer for the coming months is that the messed up @#$% that has happened will drive me closer to my Heavenly Father. That I will turn to the love that will not let me go. That I will not close my heart to the joy that seekest me in pain. That I will not focus on what is missing, what is messed up, but focus on the blessings and the pleasures that are granted me.

I look forward to holding my baby girl in my arms, kissing her sweet face, and entreating God that she never have to face the decisions that we have had to face in the last few weeks. I look forward to seeing her daddy hold her and praying that he will be a picture of a Father God to her. I can't wait to hold her tiny hands and pray that he and I will never be a stumbling block to her but stepping stones to help her understand true love that can only come from her heavenly family.