God, what am I supposed to do with this? I could really use some wisdom and peace and comfort right about now...
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
How do you deal with life? How can you go on when it seems to crumble down around you? What do you do when you are hurt so deeply, and others are hurt so deeply? Is it ever right to lie to make things better? Will things ever get better? Will the wounds ever heal? What kind of world is this baby girl being born into? Will I be able to shield her from hurt? What is this going to do to her?
Friday, August 12, 2011
It is the eve of my first baby shower for my first child... and one of her grandmothers will not be there.
It is part of adulthood to handle difficult and awkward situations. I fear tomorrow may hold some of those. After all, I made my guest list with my mom especially in mind, in hopes of giving her an enjoyable afternoon with people she's not seen in a while. And I'm sure there will be some raised eyebrows when they realize she's not there.
Some may have already talked to my parents and received their side of a very ugly story. My character may very well be defamed and my name become a black mark in my parents contacts.
I do regret that this happened, especially with this timing. I can't help but wonder, why now? And I have no answer to that. Except that God is in control of all things, all times, all actions. And nothing that occurs happens without him allowing it. And everything will work for the good of those who love God and are called for his purpose.
So I pray His blessings on the little one moving and bumping around inside of me, and beg for His mercy on me, that she and I may never go through such a black time as this.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Obviously by the lack of posts, no bed rest was required. We went back to complication free for several weeks until I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes, which turned into probable pre-pregnancy uncontrolled diabetes. So I now follow a strict diet, check my sugar 4 times a day, and have twice weekly ultrasounds. Her birthday has been pushed up a week to late September as they will be either inducing or taking her at 39 weeks. And whether or not I get to even attempt a natural birth will be decided by how large she continues to measure. As of now she's a pound or more bigger than she should be, so we're looking at an 8-9lb baby, too big for me to have naturally. Oh well, as long as she gets here safely.
We've had other issues besides health problems, though. Between the car problems and the family problems, it's about been more than I can take. I keep waking up thinking, it's got to get better. It just has to. And then something else happens, or there's another spin on things that leaves my head reeling asking "where in the world did this come from?"
I was listening to Indelible Grace on the way to church this morning, and I realized what a fitting song we sang at our wedding. "I trace the rainbow through the rain and feel the promise is not vain, that morn shall tearless be." So my prayer for the coming months is that the messed up @#$% that has happened will drive me closer to my Heavenly Father. That I will turn to the love that will not let me go. That I will not close my heart to the joy that seekest me in pain. That I will not focus on what is missing, what is messed up, but focus on the blessings and the pleasures that are granted me.
I look forward to holding my baby girl in my arms, kissing her sweet face, and entreating God that she never have to face the decisions that we have had to face in the last few weeks. I look forward to seeing her daddy hold her and praying that he will be a picture of a Father God to her. I can't wait to hold her tiny hands and pray that he and I will never be a stumbling block to her but stepping stones to help her understand true love that can only come from her heavenly family.
Monday, July 4, 2011
Happy Fourth of July... While most of the area is watching fireworks, I find myself sitting in the house checking the level of edema in my legs and hands for the gazillionth time today. It's just not fun to watch fireworks alone, and I wasn't sure I wanted to try to control both dogs while sitting in the car. Maybe some holiday traditions will start once the baby is born; if not, this poor child will not know about any holiday since we really don't do anything special for most of them.
So the latest in the pregnancy story are possible complications. Up to this point, we've been completely free of those. I've spent the weekend checking my blood pressure, weighing, and seeing how deep I can make dents in my legs. Thankfully, my blood pressure has been good here at home, and the swelling is better today than it's been all weekend. So I'm somewhat hopeful that the doctor will tell me tomorrow that everything's fine and to continue living as normal. But, according to my scale I'm gaining a pound a day, I'm not going to the bathroom nearly as often as I was a couple weeks ago, and we know the lab results are abnormal; just how abnormal I'm not sure. Which makes me worry that things may not be fine and the doctor might have to restrict my activity.
If you've never faced the possibility of bed rest, you might think, oh, hey cool, a chance to read all those books I never have time for! This is true, but... I face the possibility of losing my job. The inability to clean my house, at all. The inability to go grocery shopping. The inability to take the dogs for a walk. The inability to cook. The little things that we do everyday that we take for granted. Plus, when you're pregnant, laying in bed isn't all it's cracked up to be. I can't imagine having to do it for the next three months. Which is exactly how long I have left... three months today.
But, there's not a thing in the world I can do to change what the doctor says tomorrow. She'll look at the lab results, she'll look at the vitals (which will hopefully be better than last visit so I can avoid another trip to the hospital), and she'll look at me. And she'll make the best medical decision she can. And I'd be wise to follow her advice. Once again, like I realized at the beginning of my pregnancy, much of this is out of my hands. Just like I can't keep her perfectly safe, I can't wave a magic wand and make the weight gain and swelling disappear. I can't help that my urine output is not quite what it should be. All I can do is try to stay as calm as possible under the circumstances and deal with whatever is dealt me.
I just looked down at my belly and watched about 5 straight kicks... it's good to know she's happily oblivious to my little worries. That's the good thing about this possible complication; the baby stays just fine, as far as I know, until you get to the point of mom dying. Of course, they try not to get to that point so an early delivery is frequently the solution to this problem.
*shrug* I'll be glad about 12 hours from now when I have an answer. That's what I have the hardest time dealing with, the uncertainty. But I guess that's what life's all about.
Monday, June 27, 2011
I have a new thought for what hell might be like. I don't plan on ever being there, but for the descriptive purposes...
Hell is eternal pregnancy. Always pregnant and never having the baby. (And not the kind of pregnancy that causes those crazy blessed women to say "I love being pregnant!")