Once again, I find myself waiting anxiously on news concerning the inside of my child's body. We have the initial report, but because this condition is so rare, I really don't trust what just any radiologist has to say. I want the images themselves in my hands, and then pass them along to doctors who see this condition on a routine basis.
The initial report is very similar to last year's report. But she's had major surgery, leaving me thinking... shouldn't things have improved? Shouldn't something have changed? And while I'm relieved we don't have a syrnx or tethered cord so severe any radiologist can spot it, I'm also left asking, what is wrong with my child? Pain like this isn't normal. Regressions I've heard people talk about have lasted up to a month, not six.
I was crying out for wisdom yesterday, and I realized that I just want my child "fixed." I want an answer. I want to have something to do that will just fix it all. That will cause a complete turn around. That we'll get through a rough period and then she'll potty train herself in two days, she'll be able to coordinate her arms and legs, she'll never complain of hurting, she'll be calm in baths, she'll be able to make friends. And the phrase "God gives and takes away" had been bringing tears to my eyes as I thought about the surgeries that might bring her these rapid improvements, but that also might take away her life, her mobility. I'm not exaggerating the danger of this surgery. There's a mom right now on a support group I'm in whose daughter could walk prior to surgery, but now can't, and is entering a rehab program to try to get back on her feet. These surgeries are no joke. Bad stuff happens.
But it was pressed on my heart yesterday, that still small whisper that I'm usually too distracted to hear... "I'm taking away the plans you have for your daughter so that I can replace them with My plans for her."
It was so clear. So... true. I'm a Presbyterian, so I'm not one to see the Devil under every rock and hear God's voice in every songbird. :) But I also don't really fit in with Presbyterians because of my views on the Holy Spirit. I don't personally hear God's voice often, but this time... I believe He spoke into my soul. And Scripture confirms what I heard. "My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are my ways your ways, declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." Over and over in Scripture, God says he has a plan. I just taught my children's church kids that last week. Over and over, He says that He is not man, He does not change, He is unfathomable. He says that man plans his steps but God directs them.
I believe in God's sovereignty. But to put it into practical terms... It's easy for me to say, God is the creator. God is in control. But to say... God made my child's cerebellum to decend 5-8mm into her spinal column. God's hand is on that restricted CSF flow. God has connected her nerves in such a way that she loves the feel of oatmeal but can't stand a gentle touch. And God is good. That's a lot harder. It's easy for me to say God is good when I look at my Turkey and my BearCub. God has done marvelous things. And yet... Ladybug is also a wonderful creation of God. He was just as involved in her as He was in Turkey and BearCub.
I know I've said this many times. I keep coming back to these truths. And it's because every so often, I try to take back control. Things get hard, and I want it all fixed. I want it to all go away. I want a cure.
But when I stood in front of Bridwell Heights Presbyterian Church, and I took those baptismal vows... I gave my child back to God. I affirmed that she is His. That I would pray with and for her... not that MY plans and dreams would come true for her, but that HIS will would be done in her life. I said I would teach and train her in God's ways, not for my glory and purposes, but for His.
So I wait... and my heart is torn between wanting something to fix and wanting to avoid more doctors and surgeries. And begging for wisdom on when and where to push. And trying to rest in the truth that God is in control, that He works all things for His purposes, and that He is good.