This morning, I received the phone call giving me the time for Ladybug's MRI on Monday.
At that moment, on the other side of the country, a 19 year old young woman was buried, in part because of the very reason my Ladybug is having an MRI.
I'm a numbers person. I like research, and stats, and evidence based practice. And I know the vast difference between the medical situation of that young woman and my daughter's medical situation.
But that fact of the matter is Chiari can be deadly.
Everything has the potential of being deadly. I told a young mother of a child with cranio just a few days ago that her child was more likely to be killed in a car accident on his way to surgery than he was to die in surgery itself. I handed over my child to have her skull removed, broken apart, and pieced back together again with confidence knowing the odds were in her favor and that God would protect her.
But our days are numbered. We're not given a guarantee of anything. And while I have no fear of the anesthesia, or the MRI itself... I fear what it could reveal. I fear what the treatment could be.
And on days like today, when I can't push that brain malformation out of my mind because it's staring me in the face on the calendar... I fear what it could cause.
And sometimes, I'm angry. I've even caught myself thinking, "what I wouldn't give to JUST be dealing with cranio right now." I see moms freaking out about what to me are simple cases, and I think, they have no idea... I'd love to trade situations.
If you'd told me I'd have that thought 3 years ago, when I first found out that Ladybug had cranio, I'm not sure what I'd have said. I remember being comforted by the fact that it was fixable. I remember thinking, it's not diabetes, it's not some sort of chronic condition, it's something you go in, fix, and move on. Like the rest of the family had done. I remember telling my family that very thing before I ever got married, that it was fixable! It was a big deal, but it wasn't... I felt like I could handle it.
But some days... I'm not sure I can handle Chiari. So I agree with John Newton... "I asked the Lord that I might grow in faith and love and every grace, might more of His salvation know, and seek more earnestly His face. Twas He Who taught me thus to pray, and He I trust has answered prayer, but it has been in such a way as almost drove me to despair." (And I have thought through this song many times, wondering if I have any right whatsoever to use it because these trials are external, not internal. But then, with more thought, I realized that every external trial can cause internal trials, by way of doubt, worry, realizing that your words say one thing but your mind's actions say another... so yes, it is applicable.)