Monday, January 20, 2014

Superwoman Envy

Do you ever look at someone else and think to yourself, "What is wrong with me?  Why can't I be like them?"

And then do you find yourself getting mad?  At yourself?  At that someone else?  At some third-party that has nothing to do with anything?

I've had some moments of feeling pretty good about myself recently.  I've made some progress in some areas, took some action, got some results.  I had a little pride building up.  A little mom-pride.  Many other areas still need a lot of work, but I've kept my head mostly above water, sort-of, so I felt I could indulge in a little pat-on-the-back for myself.  I'd made progress, and that's what I cared about.

And then today, in church, I got smacked so far down in the ground you'd think a meteor had hit.

I didn't take it very well.  Why do they have to be so good and godly?  Why do they have to be involved in both home AND foreign missions at the same time?  Why do they have to make my life look so easy and me look so bad?  Why can't I just be surrounded by normal people, not these super-families?

Yeah, my attitude got pretty ugly.

And in the space of a few hours, I went through the gamut of emotions.  The anger.  The "woe-is-me I'll never amount to anything."  The "they're probably screwing up their kids."  The "I should be more like them."

But what finally occurred to me is, God doesn't call each of us to the same thing.  For example, Moses tried to do it all.  And his father-in-law very wisely said, stop.  Delegate.  Let someone else handle some of these needs.  In the early church, they realized the apostles couldn't do all the teaching and all the serving.  So they divided the church leaders and gave some the responsibility of teaching and some the responsibility of serving the widows and orphans.  God doesn't ask for us to do it all.  He asks us to do what He asks of us.  At this moment.  And He asks us to do it wholeheartedly, with His strength, to His glory.

Am I called to foreign missions right now?  To pray and support, yes, but to actually go?  No.  Am I called to foster children right now?  No.  I feel no call for that at all.  I feel pressure, that that's what good people do around here, but there is no call from God.  What am I called to do?  Right now?  To love my husband and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to my own husband.  That's it.  I struggle in many of these areas.  There is much work to be done in me.  And if I were to take on additional responsibilities, frankly, I'd be disobeying God, because I'd be forsaking what He has called me do right now.

That doesn't mean I won't eventually be called to something else, even if I'm not perfect in these areas.  I'll never be perfect.  But I'm pretty sure that when He does call me to something more, He'll give me the grace to continue with these basics.

Right now, I'm called to fight for my daughter's medical and developmental health.  I didn't ask for this job.  I didn't want this job.  I wanted healthy children.  But God gave me this job.  He allowed genetic problems, he allowed medical mistakes, he allowed my education, and he equipped me to fight and research on her behalf.  It's time consuming.  If I added additional "good things" to my plate I wouldn't be able to do this for her.  Does it sound as good as going on a mission trip?  No way.  Does it look as good as caring for orphans?  No.  But is it my call?  Yes.  And so does how it sounds or look matter at all?  Nope.

I have many other callings listed in those verses from Titus.  I only mention loving my children because I think that's the one I'm doing best, and frankly, the one I put the most energy into. =/  Those others... well... not doing so good in those areas, but they are important.  They are my job, right now.  So the comparing, the envy, the anger, the self-doubt... it needs to stop.  I need to focus on what I'm called to do, not on what other people are called to do.

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