The next few days hold a lot in store for my little family. This pregnancy is proving to be, like the other two, a tad worrisome. This particular doctor isn't concerned, on the other hand, he isn't the one constantly wondering if the little heart is still beating or if the blood and pain are signaling that there's a problem. Of course if there is a problem, there's very little that could be done about it anyway, since bed rest isn't exactly an option when you have two toddlers. So I'll just keep watching and waiting and praying and hoping for the day when I can feel definite jabs and kicks and squirms to let me know things are okay in there.
I head to Billings tomorrow, and Ladybug will be having her sedated ABR on Thursday. It's going to be ugly. She can't have anything to eat or drink after midnight, but we have to see the ENT and the audiologist before we can go to the surgery center, and her procedure isn't scheduled until 1230. That's a long time for a child that is constantly wanting milk and saying "hunry." And as much as she hates doctors now... I feel sorry for our fellow patients, because I doubt I'm going to be able to control the screaming.
And then Friday she'll see her new cranio doctor. We'll get that second opinion we've considered several times.
On one hand, I don't want my child to have a hearing problem. I don't want her to have to have hearing aids. I don't want her to have surgery. I don't want her to have to get put under yet again, and have her hair shaved off, and have a big scar, and go through all that pain.
On the other hand, I am tired of wondering why. I'm tired of the delays, the frustrations, the fluctuations in understanding that she has. I'm tired of wondering if she's not picking up the Cheerios because she can't understand what I want her to do, or if she's not picking up her Cheerio's because she's being a typical stubborn disobedient toddler. I'm tired of stomping my foot or clapping my hands to get her attention and people looking at me like I'm treating her like a dog.
I fear that we may get no answers. I fear that we may get answers with solutions that aren't pleasant. There's no good end to this. And yes, I know that's the worst possible way of looking at things. Once again, pregnant emotional hormonal in pain woman here.
I want a simple, pain free fix. Cheap fix would be good too. In short, I want a miracle. I want her to wake up and suddenly be all caught up. For her head to be just fine, for her muscles to be strong, for her words to be clear, for her to be able to answer a simple question like "Where do you hurt?"
Sunday, in a guided prayer (which was new to me), we were instructed to think of someone in the Bible that God did something for. And then we were supposed to praise God for His grace towards that person, and for His grace towards us. Immediately I thought of the many examples of children being healed. My God is capable of that.
And then the sermon was about how we react to unanswered prayers, prayers that aren't answered the way we want in the timing that we want. And we went through example after example of people who prayed, and who God didn't answer them with an immediate yes.
This of course left me thinking, how am I going to react as I'm driving back Saturday? Any news I get is going to be difficult. And with this pregnancy, what if the pain continues? What if something happens to this baby? What if I get some sort of unexpected news at my next appointment, or my next ultrasound? Will I be able to say, as Habakkuk said,
Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
I will be joyful in God my Savior
The Sovereign Lord is my strength;
He makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
He enables me to tread on the heights.