I felt it again. The squeezing, pressing weight in my chest. The spiraling of my mind to an ever growing list of needs and wants. I felt the fog of anxiety creep around me like the dampness found near the Tennessee River in the early morning. It penetrates to my soul and grasps it in its clutches.
This battle starts before my feet ever touch the floor. I stumble into the kitchen and make a cup of coffee, in hopes that the warmth will drive away those icey fingers that are digging their nails into my mind. And yet the onslaught continues. As I wake up, the list grows longer. Driver's licenses. Vehicle registration and tags. UHaul to get our stuff. Brake problems. Transmission problems. Deposits and rent. Shoes. Winter clothes. Engine blankets. Credit card bills. Medical bills. On and on.
I see the chicken carcass on the stove. The bottle cap on the counter. The food that was supposed to be refrigerated that is still in the sink. The missing coffee mug that appears from the bedroom. And my blood boils. And I struggle to hold my tongue. At least I succeed more in that than I do restraining my mind.
Stress cleaning would be easy right now. Returning to bed, pulling the covers over my head and blocking the world out is tempting. But neither will help my heart. Tomorrow, there will be other things to grate my nerves. The bills will be more numerous since I need to call the post office to inquire where my two weeks worth of bills are and why they haven't been forwarded.
Instead, I open the leather bound pages and beg for relief. For my soul to be stilled. For the peace beyond understanding to flood my mind. On my own, I whither, shrivel, rot. Only when I return to the root, the life giving stream, can I even hope to love, trust, and serve.
Stay quiet a few more moments sweet babies. For your mommy to feed and care for you, she must first be fed and cared for herself.