Wednesday, July 10, 2013

I Will Be Here

I will be here.  Two parts of this.  One is, I will be here for my husband.  The second, I will be here for my children.

I read a post that I've linked here that brought me to tears, and all I could say when I finished reading was “Yes.”  Yes, that is the mother I want to be for my children.  That’s where I'm aiming.  Attachment parenting or not, when my baby girl wakes up shrieking, I will be here, and I will make sure she’s okay and give her back her teddy bear and doggie, and cover her up with a blanket, and straighten out her legs so they won't fall asleep. 

Sometimes she'll need to learn a lesson.  That may mean I practice cry-it-out.  That may mean if she forgets her homework, she’ll just have to explain to her teacher that she wasn't responsible enough to remember to bring it and that she'll have it the next day, even if that means a letter grade lower.  But when she comes home from school and tells me that was just the start of her bad awful day, I will be here.  I will sit down with her, give her a “nana” or cookie or whatever her favorite snack is at that time, maybe even a “big girl” cup of hot tea, and I will listen.  If that means supper will be a little late, so be it.  If that means the house doesn't get dusted that day, so be it.  My little girl is more important.  If the shrieking from the room doesn't subside in a few minutes, I will be here.  I will go in and calm her down, let her know I love her, replace the lost paci, turn the seahorse and ladybug on for the 3rd time. 

Some of you know my situation.  Some of you know my heart, even if you don’t know my current situation.  Some of you were there through my tears in college.  Some of you loaned cell phones and watched me pace the road and fields, and watched me return the phone trying to hold back tears.  You were first-hand witnesses to my broken heart.

Through that broken heart, I now seek to give love to two tiny baby girls.  I now attempt to let them know, every day, just how much I love them.  I try to teach them, to imprint on their hearts and minds, that no matter what they do, I will always love them.  I try even harder as they get older.  It’s a challenge, sometimes, to love a newborn who needs fed every 2 hours around the clock for 6 straight weeks.  But there are lots of easy moments too, when they're snuggled up on you sleeping.  When they become toddlers, though… those snuggle moments are few and far between.  They're messy.  They're stinky.  They're into everything.  Even their diapers are gross.  Even my 9 month old gets told “oh what a cute little turd!”  My 20 month old… yeah, she doesn't get told that.  I said yesterday while changing her and wrinkling my nose that I needed to figure out what she’s eating that makes her smell like a nursing home bathroom.  Phew.   And that’s before the defiant moments.  The “come here” and she runs the other way.  Sometimes that’s cute.  When you have a twisted ankle that’s shooting pain up your leg, it won't dry up for 24 hours straight so your knees are throbbing, and you haven't finished your coffee and it’s noon, it’s not cute.  At all.  

Especially when she spills your now cold coffee. 

But, it’s at those not-cute moments, those trying moments, that I really want to impress upon her that I love her.  That I will always love her.  Even when she does something wrong.  Even when I'm not happy with her, I still love her. 

When she fails classes.  When she’s in drama up to her ears.  When she and her roommates just can’t see eye-to-eye.  When it seems like she’s never going to find a man who wants to marry her.  When it seems like her body is falling apart and she doesn't know why. 

I will be here.  I will drive to her if she wants me to and take her to doctors.  I will tell her I understand what it’s like go through the dark night of not knowing.  When she’s in the hospital, I will be there.  If she tells me to give her space, then fine, I will, but I will be here.  I will show up and get her ice and pain meds and her pillow from her dorm room.  I will not judge.  I will not accuse.  I will help her get better.  If we need to talk, we will, but I will love her first. 

I pray this is the mother I become.   I beg God to form my heart into this kind of mother’s heart.   

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