Thursday, November 1, 2012

I held Turkey a little longer tonight while she slept, and spent more time memorizing her features instead of watching Netflix.  And I allowed myself to be in awe that I have been so richly blessed, to have not just one beautiful baby girl, but two.  I had impressed upon me that I am not worthy of my children.  Not that I'm holding them up as perfect; after the breakfast Ladybug and I had, complete with a side of the rod of correction, it is obvious they are not perfect.  But they are blessings, troublesome though they may be, and I am not worthy of even troublesome blessings.

Friends of mine were blessed with a beautiful baby girl yesterday.  A baby that has been prayed and longed for.  And today, that blessing was taken away.  They are left with empty arms.  Yet again.  I don't know which was harder, the loss of a baby growing inside or the loss of a baby that had never been inside you but that you'd held in your arms.  I can't imagine either one.  And for one family to have to experience both... 

I look around at my situation and ask, why?  We never had trouble with infertility; we joke about having the opposite problem!  We never even took a pregnancy test hoping for a (+) only to get a (-).  Financially, we're not well off.  Relationally, we weren't in the greatest of shape before we conceived Ladybug.  We don't even really have room for two babies; they'll eventually share a room but for now Turkey sleeps in the living room!  So why do we have two beautiful baby girls, and they have an empty nursery that is better than mine has ever been?  

I could never imagine giving up a child for adoption.  Carrying a child for months, feeling her move inside me, and then handing her over to someone else to raise?  I couldn't do it.  I don't understand how people do it.  But... I also question the wisdom of allowing a birth mother to change her mind for up to two weeks after the birth of her child.  I just had a child.  I just went through that roller coaster of hormones.  There is no way I'd make a life altering decision during the two weeks after giving birth.  It's all I could do to decide whether to lay Turkey down and let her scream or just give it up and let her sleep on my chest.  It's very probable that many birth mothers want to keep their children after giving birth.  It's hormones that kick in and make you want that baby more than anything.  But over the next few weeks and months, that's when you make the conscious decision to love that child.  It's when you get up for the fifth time of the night, or when you're exhausted and the baby just won't go to sleep, or when she's screamed for 3 hours straight, or when you just want to eat a meal without smelling farts.  

I don't know what the answer is to any of this.  Why I have my two girls, why they don't, whether or not a birth parent should be able to take a child they've already said they were going to give away...  But since my child is refusing to stay asleep in her cradle, I'll satisfy myself that I don't have to know all the answers.  

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