Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Learning to Trust

So I checked my bank account for the 15th time today.  Since 2.  Why?  Well, the rent was due, so I had mailed the check... and I was trusting that my refunds from my flexible spending account would arrive in my bank account before the cashed check did.  I have been living with less than $20 in my primary bank account for over a week now.  I had almost been ready to breathe a sigh of relief when my flex account said I'd been paid; that money today, payday Friday, we'd be just fine!  


And yet, as of right now, that money seems to be in no man's land.  It's out of one account, but it's not in the other.  Unfortunately, the rent check is at my bank.  I don't fully understand how bounced checks work, but from the couple of experiences I've had, if that money doesn't appear in my account early tomorrow that check's going to become a rubber ball.  It may still become a rubber ball even if that money does show up since it wasn't there today.  I don't understand why not.  I mean, everything electronic and supposedly instantaneous, so how the money can be absolutely nowhere I don't understand. 


This is on top of finding out yesterday that we're out nearly $500 thanks to IRS regulations that we were not aware of which mean we pretty much spent double on day care for the month of January.  No wonder we're broke; the government is allowing companies to steal from us, legally. 


But I've finally thought, why am I checking my account so often?  Why am I so worried?  Can I do anything to make the money appear faster?  Nope.  Can I keep that check from bouncing?  At this point, no.  It's totally out of my hands and in the hands of ... well... some computer processor somewhere I guess.


In the meantime, my child is currently sleeping on her stomach on the couch.  She's had a rough afternoon, getting woken up from her nap by a dog I'm currently furious with for waking her up.  She would not go back to sleep, but was completely exhausted, so I finally got her to sleep on my chest.  After a few hours I just couldn't lay there anymore so I wiggled out from under her.  Now, I know they say "back to sleep."  But sometimes you do what you have to to keep the baby asleep.  They also say not to let them sleep on the couch.  And not to let them sleep with a blanket.  I'm breaking all the rules today.  But I keep going over and scooting her away from the back of the couch that she loves to smoosh her face in.  And I keep removing the blanket from her face, because she keeps covering it up. 


And I realized trust is a factor in both situations.  I'm paranoid of SIDS.  Ladybug is still at high risk because she can't roll over, and she has also proven herself her mother's child by panicking when something covers her face rather than just removing it.  One of the goals I set with the TEIS is airway protection, that she would learn to remove a blanket or toy from her face instead of panicking.  


Back to the trust.  I can remove dangerous objects from her. I can position her with a clear airway.  But I can't make her keep breathing.  I can balance my checkbook and plan ahead, but sometimes things are going to happen.  Too many expenses in one pay period and we're in a hole.  And another case: my unborn daughter.  I can do everything in my power to keep her healthy, but I have very little control over what happens in my body.  At any moment her heart could stop for unknown reasons, and no one besides me would have ever felt her existence.  So I just have to trust.  That God will keep my one daughter breathing.  That a few bounced checks isn't the end of the world.  And that He will keep my other daughter's heart beating.  


And while I stress about the bank account, in reality, when I look at the baby girl now wiggling in my arms, trying to reach the keyboard, when I feel a tiny kick from inside, I realize that a negative balance really isn't that important, especially since I know it won't last more that a day. 

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