Saturday, December 29, 2012
I've been too busy to be depressed. I've been too busy to think about all those things that always got me depressed around the holidays. Eight and six years after the fact I guess it's about time!
I didn't get all the decorations put up. I didn't get half of them out. My house is disaster. My family is a mess. But I'm not depressed. It's rainy and dreary, but I'm not depressed.
Overwhelmed, yes. Irritable, yes. Frustrated, yes. But not depressed. And it's wonderful. Truly wonderful.
And this was going to be more thoughtful but I'm being paged by a screaming 3 month old. =)
Sunday, November 4, 2012
As for this first mini-film, about the Farm here in TN, the interviews with the midwife were thought-provoking, especially given the concerns I've had recently about Ladybug. She didn't make any conclusions but she posed the question, is there a relation between all the drugs women are given in labor, multiple ultrasounds, and ADD/autism? I developed a high risk pregnancy with Ladybug so there are multiple factors before you ever add in the genetic issue she has. But watching the difference between her and Turkey just in these first two months has been very eye-opening as to how delayed she was from the start. It'll be interesting to continue watching and comparing them as Turkey gets older. Of course you're not supposed to compare your children, but I simply mean watching when they reach their milestones and how their development progresses. It does make me wonder if the diabetes, 25+ ultrasounds, and high stress could be part of why she has difficulty. Of course her poor little skull that is once again looking a little funky probably isn't helping her either.
My other thought is a bit more critical. When they throw out numbers, it seems to be phrased to support their theory. For example, it's "only 2%" of births in low risk women turn ugly, so it's okay for low risk women to give birth at home. But it's "4-5%" of births are breech so it's important that OB's know how to handle those naturally. Okay... there's not a lot of difference between 2% & 4%. I'd say it's important to be prepared for the 2% as much as it is to be prepared for the 4%.
I did like the idea of the quilt memorializing mothers who died shortly after childbirth; they are right in that there needs to be follow up with new moms to make sure they're doing okay. It's a breakdown in our culture that has led to the isolation that new moms end up in. And I also agreed that it is a problem when that first birth is a c-section and that limits the number of children a woman can have. I'm glad they pointed out that when you have 6 c-sections, your 6 kids need you and that 7th is dangerous!
Anyways... my loved despite born by c-sec baby is crying so I'm going to attend to her needs!
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
I'm currently typing one-handed while cradling the newest addition to our family. Her name henceforth will be Turkey. I've been calling her that since day 2; the name just seems to fit. Eventually she'll fatten up but for now she's definitely a little bird. Whereas Ladybug came out pudgy and round, Turkey came out skinny and long. She's cute in her own way, and she shows a sweet side occasionally, but so far she seems to be a more serious child than Ladybug. She frequently wrinkles her brow and furrows her eyebrows, and I can't help but wonder if she's regretting her decision to arrive early. I'll write her birth story eventually; hers is a bit more exciting than Ladybug's!
A few thoughts on life as it stands right now. I was asked by the ladies in the county clerk's office how I did it; my reply was "I don't know, all we do is eat and change diapers, and Mom doesn't sleep much. I hope to figure it out soon!" If I get one sink full of dishes done or one load of laundry put away, it's a big deal. It's rough. We've reached the point of monotony, where every day blends into the next, with moments of pure chaos helping me stay awake. Don't get me wrong; I love both my girls dearly and wouldn't trade either of them for anything, but being the mom of two under one who aren't twins is dadgum hard! I know my hormones have played a part in my reactions, but it has been very hard to not get snippy with those who have said "just be glad it's not..." Twins would have their easier side; at least I wouldn't have one trying to dive off the couch or eat paper while I try to nurse the other. Three age three and under is possible, if not likely, for us. If I had one walking at least it'd be easier to get to the car and store & I wouldn't be carrying both of them. Every situation has its difficulties; playing the "it could be worse" card really doesn't help.
On a positive note, Be Still and Know just played on Pandora, and one verse really stood out. Turkey won't sleep at night unless I'm holding her. Even the swing doesn't work. But I pick her up and lay her on my chest, and her world is suddenly made right. Really gives a meaningful picture to the following verse.
Be still and know that He is God.
Be still and know He is our Father.
Come rest your head upon His breast
Listen to the rhythm of His unfailing heart of love
Beating for His little ones
Calling each of us to come be still.
Monday, August 13, 2012
Anyway, enough teary-eyed mother talk, and on to the subject I've been wanting to write about. Humility. It's come up several times recently, in the sermon Sunday as well as in C.S. Lewis' Mere Christianity which I recently read for the first time. What worries me is that Lewis pointed out that the more prideful we are, the more it bothers us in others. So the fact that this particular problem rubs me the wrong way makes me think that there's probably something that I'm being too prideful about. Maybe I'm prideful that I've rejected the "homeschooling is the greatest" idea.
And I just leaked it: homeschooling and pride is my subject of the day. I've noticed it repeatedly, especially since Ladybug was born. People that I have thought of as good Christians, as people that were worthy of being admired, have this huge "we're better than others" sign plastered on their heads concerning their choice of schooling. They seem to think that home schooled people are better than anyone else. They are less likely to brag about their status as home schooling parents; after all, that would obviously be too prideful. But they seem to see nothing wrong with making comments like "if they employed home schoolers those kind of mistakes wouldn't be made."
I wouldn't mind these comments nearly as much, I suppose, if they were made in private, at a home school group meeting, or between friends who were both home schooled or home school their own children. But if you're in a situation where you don't know the full background of everyone in the room, or if you're on a Facebook wall, you are risking offending people. And while saying "homosexuality is wrong" will offend people, that is a pretty clear Biblical mandate. Home schooling, on the other hand, is (newsflash here!) not exactly commanded in Scripture. So unless you know every single person on my friend list, and know that every one of them is linked to homeschooling somehow (which is most certainly not true), you shouldn't be making those kind of comments on my public wall.
When the particular comment that brought this tirade to mind was made, I was torn between ignoring it and deleting it from my wall. My fear was that deleting it would offend the person who made it. But, it became a matter of sheer numbers. By leaving it up, I was risking offending multiple people who do not home school. By deleting it, I might offend one person. I chose the lesser number. But folks, don't put me in that position. Don't make me choose to offend someone. Think about what you're saying. Walk the talk, as some modern churches would put it.
(And btw, I've noticed the same problem with some stay-at-home moms, especially those that home school. The last time someone made a comment about that I wrote a note explaining why I was staying at home and tried to make sure that everyone realized I was not better than anyone else because I had chosen to stay at home.)
Friday, July 27, 2012
This topic is one that I'm somewhat hesitant to publicly write about. I don't want to offend, nor do I want to land on a list somewhere. But I feel I owe it to others to at least voice my opinion.
I don't think the flag should be flying at half mast right now.
*ducks head to avoid flying rotten tomatoes*
Is it safe to come out now?
Okay, here are my thoughts behind that shocking statement.
The point of half-mast, or half-staff, is to symbolize a nation in mourning, or to show respect. For example, flags are to be flown half mast on Memorial day. That is to show respect, and in a way, mourning, for the soldiers that have died fighting for our country. They are to be flown half mast for a long period of time after the President or Vice-President has died, and for shorter periods of time after a member of Congress, state governor, or Supreme Court Justice dies.
The problem comes when we fly flags half-mast because of a presidential proclamation. I'm not saying the President shouldn't have this right, not at all. But it then becomes more personal as to what we honor and mourn. Here is my question: how do we decide what is worthy of national mourning? And by default, what is not worthy?
My concern is this: we are showing that we are mourning the death of a number of people in a movie theater. BUT: How many active military have died in the last year? I don't know the answer. But we haven't mourned them, except by lumping them together on Memorial Day. Where do we draw the line? So a shooting is worthy of mourning, according to the current President. All right... but how many have to die before it becomes worthy of national attention? 5? 10? So if 3 people are killed before a concealed carry permit holder pulls his/her gun and shoots the shooter, that's not worthy of being mourned, but if 19 people are killed because concealed carry is banned in that place of business, we mourn those people? (I'm not saying there's been 3 people killed and then the shooter stopped, I'm just throwing out random examples of what could be.) Is it not the number of people dead but what they're doing?
I feel we are cheapening the half-mast symbol. Yes, it is sad that all those people were killed. But there are people shot every day! The city of Chicago alone could cause us to fly half-mast the entire year! I don't believe that people participating in a recreational activity have more right to be mourned than the soldiers killed in a training flight, training so that they can protect our country. We should be sad, we should learn from this (private businesses that ban concealed carry are leaving the door wide open for mass shootings), but we should not cheapen the deaths of others who are worthy of national mourning.
Friday, June 8, 2012
Well, mostly to a very cute, very chubby baby. She just eats time... maybe that's why she's so fat! She's around 20 pounds now; I'm sure she's going to seem like a giant compared to the Lump (gotta come up with something better than that!) when she gets here. I can't even imagine what life's going to be like with two. Someone today asked, and I get this question a lot, how are you going to do it? My answer these days is pretty standardized: I don't know, I'll just do it. I'm certainly not the only one with children less than a year apart; there's quite a few of us baby bunchers out there. I guess because they're not in the situation, they expect it to be totally overwhelming. And I'm sure I'll have those days, but I'm blessed with being pretty oblivious to the difficulties right now. I'll figure out a way. What choice do I have; give one away?
That brings to mind a book I just finished, The Forgotten Garden by Kate Morton. I really enjoyed it, which was surprising since I read it on the recommendation of a pregnancy birth board book club. They typically suggest trash (50 Shades of Gray anyone?), but this was certainly not trash; fluff, maybe, but good fluff. A woman in the story gives away her baby, basically acting as a surrogate mother. A young friend, who had recently lost her baby by miscarriage, told her, you can't just give it away. You can't just stop being a mother. It changes you. And it did. She was described as acting as if she had lost some part of herself afterwards, although no one knew why because no one realized she'd been a surrogate.
Before Ladybug was born, I wouldn't have fully understood that. But now, I wonder how true that is. I know it'd be true in my case. Obviously people give up babies for adoption, and act as surrogates, but that kind of idea does explain why mothers who had been planning on giving up their child give birth and suddenly change their mind. I can't imagine giving up a child whom I had cared for in the womb. While I don't feel as attached to the Lump as I did to Ladybug before she was born, I also have 13 more weeks to become more attached, especially since I can now watch her kicks and rolls in addition to feeling them. I'm not as attached simply because I don't talk and sing exclusively to her like I did her sister, because I spend my time talking to and playing with her sister. I did pick up a library book and think, this is way too many words for Ladybug to sit through but I'll read it to the Lump.
I also told the Mechanic while talking about friends who don't have children, they don't really realize what they're missing. Oh, they may express regret about not having kids, or maybe they don't. But you can't explain to someone what being a mom is like. I told him, I can't even explain to you what it's like. It's beyond words. It's incredible. Yes, overwhelming when I think of the grand scheme of things. But overwhelming in a good way when I kiss chubby toes and fat cheeks, and tickle her and make her laugh, and walk in the room and her say "mamama" when she sees me (yes, I'm special; I'm more than a "mama," I'm a "mamama!"), and realize she's mine. There's a bond there unlike any other relationship, and I of all people know what it's like for that relationship to be lacking. That's part of why my relationship with Ladybug, and her sister, is so special to me; I want to love them in a way that they'll understand the allusions to a mother's love in the Bible. And I'll have shortcomings; I'm already doing things like giving Ladybug popcicles that I said I wouldn't do! I'm sure there will be far greater mistakes made. I just hope that when their heart is breaking and tears start spilling down their cheeks, that they'll know they can reach and cry "mamama" and I'll be there to love them.
Friday, May 11, 2012
So far things are stable. Still have the low lying placenta, still have the subchorionic hemorrhage, sugars are slowly starting to creep up. But, I feel her move every evening while I'm still and reading in bed, which is reassuring. We'll see how she does tonight; I sort of overdid it on our walk today. Well not sort of... definitely. I got ambitious and decided to not just go to the library, but another block to the bakery. No biggie. Then I spotted a yard sale, so we went to check that out... found a couple cute Christmas things. Then I made my mistake. I knew that street was blocked off from cars at the top of the hill, but I thought sure I could get by. Just thought I might need to go into a yard for a couple yards.
Yeah... right. They felt the need to put the guard rail across the entire road. No room for even a pedestrian to squeeze by. And the "yard" next to it was an extremely steep hill. I thought I might be able to climb over the guard rail and collapse the stroller and push it under the rail. Nope. Not only was my basket full of library books and donut holes so the stroller wouldn't collapse fully, Ladybug had fallen asleep. And that guard rail was higher than my waist; there was no way I could climb over it while holding Ladybug. If she'd been awake I would have just sat her down while I got the stroller across but I was not going to lay her on concrete. So I finally gave up and walked back down the hill. I didn't want to cut through the parking lots again in the bright sun, so I thought I'd cut through the neighborhood streets. Next bad decision. Part of this town's name is "Hill" for a reason. Holy cow. Steep hill. Long hill. No shade. And that's one heavy stroller!
Next time, I'll just walk back through the parking lots. At least until I'm by myself and don't have another life depending on my heart beating!
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
I've been going to the library every few weeks to get books for Ladybug. Those first few months I felt like I memorized the few books we had, and I knew the repetition would kick in when Ladybug got old enough to pick her own night night books. So, I tend to just pick a small section, the "N's" for example, and get most of my books for the week from there. And then I pick up a few that are familiar, like Go Dog Go or Curious George.
This means I get a wide variety of books. Some of them are simply stupid. Some are boring. Some have awesome illustrations and a great plot. Some of good stories with good morals. Some... nneh.
I brought home some Bernstein Bears books one day. The Mechanic mentioned that he wasn't allowed to read those growing up because they portrayed the dad as a bumbling idiot. I'd never thought about it... but the beginning reader books do. The more advanced books don't seem to do that as much, but The Bike Lesson and The Picnic, for example, two I well remember from my childhood, do show a very dumb father whose son has to continually get him out of scrapes. At this early age I don't figure it matters all that much (and some would disagree with me I'm sure), but when Ladybug gets a little older and understands spoken words, is that something I really want her reading?
So now I find myself evaluating every book I pick up. I brought home Purplicious last week. And I thought, oh it'd be cute to have Pinkalicious for Ladybug and Purplicious for ... well, the Lump doesn't seem quite applicable now. I'll have to come up with another nickname for the next daughter. But when I was adding books to their Amazon list, I noticed the Goldilicious book in the same series. And it says something about defending against the evil magic of her little brother. And I raised my eyebrows... that doesn't sound like something I want my daughters reading. I have nothing against magic in children's stories, but evil magic performed by their brother? Hm. And even Purplicious... (I've not read the original Pinkalicious book) I sort of wondered if I want them reading and quoting it. It has the other girls telling her liking pink is for babies, pink is out and black is in... and I couldn't help but think, I'm going to hear this kind of talk from my girls soon enough. I hate the whole "in" and "out" slang anyway, and while it shows you can make friends even if what you like isn't popular... I kind of wonder if I want my girls exposed to the idea of "popular" at such a young age.
So many books also portray siblings in a negative light. Oh, they eventually show them liking their younger sibling, but they always start out with "Sister was not happy about the new baby, Honey." Or something along those lines. I wish I could find a book that talks about how great sisters are. How much fun you can have with them. What good friends they can be. Something that emphasizes the positive. Because I figure they'll come up with negative stuff in their lives on their own... if they haven't already thought of "I don't like this" why do I want to put the idea in their head?
Who knew simple children's stories could be so complicated!!!
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
And yet, as of right now, that money seems to be in no man's land. It's out of one account, but it's not in the other. Unfortunately, the rent check is at my bank. I don't fully understand how bounced checks work, but from the couple of experiences I've had, if that money doesn't appear in my account early tomorrow that check's going to become a rubber ball. It may still become a rubber ball even if that money does show up since it wasn't there today. I don't understand why not. I mean, everything electronic and supposedly instantaneous, so how the money can be absolutely nowhere I don't understand.
This is on top of finding out yesterday that we're out nearly $500 thanks to IRS regulations that we were not aware of which mean we pretty much spent double on day care for the month of January. No wonder we're broke; the government is allowing companies to steal from us, legally.
But I've finally thought, why am I checking my account so often? Why am I so worried? Can I do anything to make the money appear faster? Nope. Can I keep that check from bouncing? At this point, no. It's totally out of my hands and in the hands of ... well... some computer processor somewhere I guess.
In the meantime, my child is currently sleeping on her stomach on the couch. She's had a rough afternoon, getting woken up from her nap by a dog I'm currently furious with for waking her up. She would not go back to sleep, but was completely exhausted, so I finally got her to sleep on my chest. After a few hours I just couldn't lay there anymore so I wiggled out from under her. Now, I know they say "back to sleep." But sometimes you do what you have to to keep the baby asleep. They also say not to let them sleep on the couch. And not to let them sleep with a blanket. I'm breaking all the rules today. But I keep going over and scooting her away from the back of the couch that she loves to smoosh her face in. And I keep removing the blanket from her face, because she keeps covering it up.
And I realized trust is a factor in both situations. I'm paranoid of SIDS. Ladybug is still at high risk because she can't roll over, and she has also proven herself her mother's child by panicking when something covers her face rather than just removing it. One of the goals I set with the TEIS is airway protection, that she would learn to remove a blanket or toy from her face instead of panicking.
Back to the trust. I can remove dangerous objects from her. I can position her with a clear airway. But I can't make her keep breathing. I can balance my checkbook and plan ahead, but sometimes things are going to happen. Too many expenses in one pay period and we're in a hole. And another case: my unborn daughter. I can do everything in my power to keep her healthy, but I have very little control over what happens in my body. At any moment her heart could stop for unknown reasons, and no one besides me would have ever felt her existence. So I just have to trust. That God will keep my one daughter breathing. That a few bounced checks isn't the end of the world. And that He will keep my other daughter's heart beating.
And while I stress about the bank account, in reality, when I look at the baby girl now wiggling in my arms, trying to reach the keyboard, when I feel a tiny kick from inside, I realize that a negative balance really isn't that important, especially since I know it won't last more that a day.
Monday, April 23, 2012
― J.R. Miller
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Friday, April 6, 2012
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Friday, March 30, 2012
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Friday, March 23, 2012
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Monday, March 12, 2012
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
- Confirming your daughter's pregnancy before she does.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
I'm going to rant for a moment.
Republican party: you stink.
Grassrotes efforts in east TN: you stink.
I live in a small town, literally on a main street. I live next to a stinkin' post office. And I had NO CLUE that the election was today.
Granted, I'm a tad isolated. I don't have a TV. I don't subscribe to a newspaper. I don't work. But I do go to church. No one mentioned it. NO ONE.
I then decided to criticize myself; after all, if I really wanted to vote, it's my responsibility to find out when the election is and where I'm supposed to vote. So I pulled up the Kingsport Times website to find out poll times. Let me list the headlines for you.
- Gov. Haslam defends his actions for businesses
- Defendent whose drugs were stolen from HCSO evidence locker pleads guilty
- Report: Colts, Manning to go separate ways
- Police: Woman on 'bath salts' breaks into neighbor's home, sets fire
- Hackers busted after one becomes FBI informant
- Police car clips man in wheelchair on Center Street
- Gingrich pitches plan to lower gas prices to $2.50 during Kingsport visit
- Search for UVa-Wise chancellor set to begin
- NWS: Seven tornadoes hit NET, SW Va.
- Sullivan BOE approves $400,000 in renovations for North
- Report: Colts, Manning to go separate ways
- Britain says handshakes OK for its Olympians
- Nine more allege abuse at hands of late Red Sox clubhouse chief
- Lenny Dykstra gets 3 years in Calif. prison
- Judge: NY Mets owe up to $83M to Madoff trustee
- Streak in gas price hikes ends at 27 days
- Chrysler to sell natural gas-powered truck
- Dow falls more than 200, interrupting 2012 rally
- BMW in cooperation talks with General-Motors
- Financier Stanford convicted in $7 billion fraud
- Signature Properties partnership gives back
- Folks You Should Know: Audey Ratliff
- Kingsport Public Library offers wide range of programs, services
- Brooks leads 2012 Country Music Hall of Fame class
- Sci-fi drama 'Terra Nova' axed after first season
- National Geographic Museum to open Titanic exhibit
- 'Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious' composer dies
- Skies still blue for Crystal Gayle
- One killed, several injured in meth lab fire at nursing home
- GOP hopefuls clash with Obama on Iranian response
- Special Forces soldier dies trying to save his kids in house fire
- Court rejects suit by Tennessee dad in international custody case
- Report: Minority students face harsher punishments
- Nancy Ross Hugo lecture 'Seeing Trees: Discover the Extraordinary Lives of Everyday Trees'
- Annie Moses Band coming to FBC March 18
- Children to benefit from 1,500 free books
- Tickets on Sale for "A Tisket, A Tasket, A Literary Basket"
- Scrabble Social aids literacy efforts
Seriously? There is not a SINGLE headline even remotely hinting that the primary is today. NOT ONE. The only thing that even comes close is talking about Gingrich lowering gas prices when he comes to visit. Apparently he was in town yesterday, presumably because the primary is today. I read that article. It concentrates on his comments on gas prices. It doesn't list poll times. And truly, it doesn't even say that TN's election is today. It says he visited the day before Super Tuesday; I suppose you can make a logical conclusion that he wouldn't waste time the day before a major election in a state whose election is later. But they didn't come out and say that. And they sure didn't give specifics as to "Sullivan County polls will be open from 9-5" or whatever.
Apparently, we care more about what Peyton Manning and the Colts are up to than the fact we're deciding who will run against Obama for president.
And just to be clear, I went on to try to find the poll times. The majority of the links I found for my county (not Sullivan) had to do with 2010 election. The link was about 3/4ths the way down the Google search page, and then it took about 4 links from there to find a general "most polls will be open from 8-8." This stuff should be frontline, headline stuff. I should not have to search to find it. TN has not held its primary on Super Tuesday very often; it's not like the national election which is automatically the 1st Tuesday in November. ( I correct myself: apparently TN did use to be part of the Super Tuesday bunch. In 2003 they decided to move it back to February in an effort to get more politicians to pay attention to us, essentially. Please keep in mind I was not even old enough to vote until Dec 2002. So, out of three presidential primaries I've been eligible to vote in, two have them have not been on Super Tuesday. So, it is understandable that I do not immediately associate Super Tuesday with TN's primary.)
Well, whomever me and Ethan may have voted for: you lost two votes today. Surely we're not the only TV-less family in the area.