Sunday, October 9, 2011

Still alive and human... I think

There is a distinction I never made before. There is human, and there is mommy. And mommy's do not always feel human. We sometimes feel like some sort of zombie, with strange marks and fat rolls that previously didn't exist, emotions that take roller coaster rides, and brains that simply cannot remember that 2+2=4. My days consist of pump, feed, change. Pump, feed, change. Try to fit some sleep in there somewhere. And then do it all over again.

The lack of eye contact from a newborn only confirms the feeling of non-humanness... it's as if she looks right past me, as if I don't exist, despite her complete dependency on me to feed, change, burp, clothe, and comfort her. I'm told this will get better once she becomes interactive again.

There are moments, though, when you see the good side of being a mommy. The 2am change when I look at the child who just exploded poop into the clean diaper I just put on her, and I'm amazed at how much I love this little poop-making machine. The rare moments in breastfeeding when things are actually working like they're supposed to (with the help of a plastic nipple... now that thing is weird) and she wraps her little hand around my finger.

So I'll plod along; I think survival at this point is a worthy goal.

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